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Crabs join bears and sharks as victims of Hollywood cocaine epidemic

Cocaine Bear and Meth Gator are being joined by more thriller movies demonstrating the serious, growing issue of substance abuse within our local wildlife.

Al Pacino in Scarface

A drug problem within Hollywood is going wild. First, we had Cocaine Bear. Then Cocaine Shark was revealed, an action movie about aquatic animals who wind up huffing the white stuff. We’re sad to say the epidemic has now reached crabs, as well.

Cocaine Crabs from Outer Space,  a new horror movie coming this summer, looks at the very real and serious implications of crustaceans who develop a bad habit. The low-budget, schlocky monster movie involves crabs who crash land on Earth, only to be given coke by the people that discover them.

The results are expectedly difficult. All sorts of disaster and chaos follows our hard-shelled antagonists on their bender. Lives are ruined, there’s blood everywhere – exactly what you expect from someone who succumbs to ad influences.

Alongside Cocaine Bear and Cocaine Shark, we’re hoping these can all at least serve as cautionary tales. Don’t do drugs! Or at least, don’t do drugs around wildlife that can eat or otherwise tear you apart!

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Like all circles of substance abuse, it’s not just the one habit going around. Attack of the Meth Gator is a hard-hitting thriller movie where we’ll see what happens when meth and gigantic, maneating lizards mix. We can only imagine the depravity that’s coming on that one.

We need action on these issues, and we need them now. What’s next, Heroine Gorilla? Ecstasy Rhino? Marijuana Lion? Won’t somebody please think of the animals!

Have a look at our best movies and new movies list to get your mind off these hot button issues.