“Father, when are you gonna let me leave to be on my owwwwn? I’ve got the whole world to see.” These immortal lines uttered by Pauly Shore have haunted my nightmares ever since the trailer for Pinocchio: A True Story went viral in February.
The lucky ones forgot, but you found yourself wondering if Pinocchio ever got the whole “worldussy”, then you’re in luck, as Lionsgate took the liberty of releasing some more… interesting clips from the upcoming animated movie. So, if you want any more proof that humanity has truly been abandoned, then you needn’t look any further.
On Lionsgate’s TikTok account (wherein they seem to have let a shitposter run rampant in a genius marketing strategy), they released a compilation clip entitled ‘The Best Moments from Pinocchio.’ If you’re wondering whether they took the feedback from the trailer on board, the answer is absolutely not. If anything, the dialogue in this clip is more nightmarish than the last — but with 2.5 million views, one thing is for sure. Too many of you are sick, twisted bastards who revel in pain.
The TikTok begins with Pinocchio impassionately thanking “daddy” (?!) before running to his horse, declaring that “great adventures await.” At this point, it looks like the animators completely gave up on trying to make the dub align with the characters speaking, so what we’re left with is an out-of-sync Pinocchio skipping away with their Uncanny Valley horse singing, “Skidee, skidee, skidee!”
I can’t work out if Pauly Shore is making an honest go of this voice acting gig or is just monumentally taking the piss, because when Pinocchio monotonously talks about having a “special, most treasured dream,” you can’t help but wonder how anyone can listen to that and think it’s an unironically good delivery.
Other highlights from the clip include an ugly humanoid cat in a fez growling “Mamma mia!” and shooting Pinocchio in the stomach (he’s okay, unfortunately), and the hideous puppet pretending he’s invested in his love interest.
@lionsgate please buy this movie so my boss will let me make more tiktoks #pinocchio ♬ Skidee Pinocchio – Lionsgate
From the TikTok comments, it’s clear we weren’t the only ones baffled and concerned by the clip. “Budget was negative on this one,” one user wrote. “Is Pinocchio on drugs or something?” another asked. Many of the commenters were still unsure if the movie was real, but either way, that cat stuffed in a suit standing on its hind legs will be seared in my memory for a long time to come.
If you need a detox after watching this cursed concoction, check out our guide to the best movies of all time.