I’d never have thought of it, but I’m a stickler for bad erotica. After being introduced to the My Dad Wrote a Porno podcast a few years ago, I’ve been hooked. But with the news of the podcast hosted by Jamie Morton, James Cooper, and Alive Levinge coming to an end, I can’t help but think about what’s next for the Belinda Blinked series.
The trio have long said they’ve had offers to reimagine Steeles Pots and Pans on the silver screen, but is now finally the time to blink the Belinda Blinked movie into existence? It certainly feels like it.
In the absence of an official confirmation, though, we’ve had to get creative. Fans like myself have long been thinking of who could play who, and despite several big names chucking their hats into the ring during after-dark Footnotes episodes, I’ve put together what I believe to be the ultimate dream Belinda Blinked movie cast for all to see.Pull up a chair in the Pentra and grab a turkey sandwich because things are about to get spicy.
Emilia Clarke as Belinda Blumenthal
Fans have banded quite a few names about to play the one and only Belinda Blumenthal for a few years now, but none of them have ever quite fit the bill like Emilia Clarke. Sure, Megan Fox certainly has /the assets/ but Emilia Clarke has the whole package.
From taking the Seven Kingdoms in Game of Thrones to battling Skynet in Terminator: Genisys, Clarke has everything she needs to play the “greatest boss in British kitchenware”, pomegranates aside.
Daisy May Cooper as Bella Ridley
If there’s anyone who could play a gormless receptionist who could smash several bacon butties in a single sitting while somehow being one of the Glee Team’s key beauties, it’s Daisy May Cooper. Bella feels like an Only Way Is Essex-ified Kerry Mucklow, and honestly, we’re here for it.
We reckon Cooper would be down for accentuating her accent as the film progresses too, much like Morton’s portrayal throughout the podcast series.
Jodie Comer as Giselle Maarschalkerweerd de Klotz
There’s no one better in the business at accents than Jodie Comer, and with Giselle’s surprising development into forced espionage, we think the Killing Eve star is the best person for the job.
Unlike some of the other candidates for Giselle, Comer has all the gear and the idea.
Jacob Ifan as Tony Sylvester
In the TV series SAS: Rogue Heroes, Jacob Ifan has proved he can play a rugged man that isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, which, let’s be honest, is perfect for Tony Sylvester.
The CEO of Steeles Pots and Pans has some questionable interview techniques, but he clearly has his heart in the right place.
Kit Harington as George Sylvester
And for his big, bad brother, who better than Kit Harrington? The ex-Game of Thrones man hasn’t really had time to flex his muscles in a villainous role, but if his episode of Criminals is anything to go by, he won’t have to flex very hard.
He will have to put on a limp, though.
Charles Dance as Sir James Godwin
Charles Dance is the master of playing posh old men with gusto you can only admire. While strict authoritarian characters are more his thing, Dance would be well suited to play a wealthy man who has a very chequered past.
Let’s not forget Sir James acquired Steeles Pots and Pans through his third wife, who died after her parachute ‘failed’ to open on one of their many jumps. It’s rumoured that Godwin was responsible for her death, with his ruthlessness coming from his time as a drug baron in Venezuela.
Still, he has a strangely likeable personality and arguably gives us one of the series’ most memorable events: the Asses and Donkeys Trust auction, which takes place in his famed Windsor estate maze.
Martin Freeman as Des Martin
Des Martin is probably the most tragic of all Regional Sales Managers in the books, and that’s largely because all his character does is mope around after his wife leaves him.
He loves Belinda, though – as everyone does – and regularly lusts after her, eventually getting his way. Freeman’s experience with playing such unfortunate souls has him pretty much nailed on for this, and we can’t imagine anyone else for the job.
Sean Bean as Ken Dewsbury
If you thought Des was the most tragic of the RSMs, then let me introduce you to the creepiest. When he’s not selling pots and pans in Central and Northern England, Ken is renting properties out in Leeds, including a basement sex dungeon set up with cameras to capture his conquests.
Sean Bean, one of the most iconic northerners to grace the silver screen, has played plenty of tricky souls over the years and can do creepy things well, largely thanks to his method acting. The only thing he might not be used to here is that Ken doesn’t die or call people bastards very often.
Ardal O’Hanlon as Patrick O’Hamlyn
Good old Patrick, the RSM for Scotland and Ireland, is about as stereotypical Irish as you can think. He’s clearly competent enough, taking control of the largest sales region in Steeles, but like the other managers, he’s a bit of a fool.
And when you think of stereotypical Irishmen, who else is better than Father Ted’s O’Hanlon?
Danny DeVito as Jim Sterling
When we were first introduced to Jim Sterling, the short and stocky Texan cowboy in control of his tiny vole, the fanbase couldn’t get the image of Danny Devito out of their mind. And can you blame them?
After re-watching the Friends episode where DeVito plays a tragic stripper, there is no doubt in my mind that the American would do the cowboy and his teeny weenie justice, even as it grows.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge as Maeve
Since Maeve is arguably one of the most complex characters in the Belinda Blinked universe, you need someone who can deliver both the highs and lows of her arc. That person is Fleabag’s own Phoebe Waller-Bridge.
There have long been rumours that Waller-Bridge hid My Dad Wrote a Porno easter eggs inside Fleabag, and with Maeve undergoing possibly one of Rocky’s best character developments throughout the books, there’s no one better to transform her into a funny yet threatening woman.
Emma Thompson as The Duchess
I know Daisy Ridley so desperately wanted to be the Duchess, complete with prosthetics, but if you’ve listened to all of the podcast’s Footnotes, then you’ll know there’s really only one choice for The Duchess, and that’s Emma Thompson.
We’d cast Toffee Apple Chew, her loyal steed, but let’s be honest – no living animal could ever live up to the Monty Python and the Holy Grail soundtrack given by Jamie, James, and Alice’s prime coconuts.
Jim Carrey as Herr Bisch
Imagine Jim Carrey’s Lemony Snicket crossed with Dr Robotnik from Sonic the Hedgehog, and you have a caricature version of Herr Bisch. Described as a decrepit old GDR agent, who now runs Bisch-Herstellung, a pots and pans manufacturer situated in East Germany, this villain has pretty much cast himself.
Morton’s Bisch voice is so well known, but we reckon Carrey would do it – and Bisch’s gentleman woof – justice.
Ewan McGregor as James Spooner
It’s no secret that Morton’s Spooner was based on Sean Connery’s James Bond, and, despite never being described as from Scotland, it’s pretty much what the fan base has taken to be canon. So, who better than to lend his dulcet Scottish tones to the role than Ewan McGregor?
The Scot played a spy in Our Kind of Traitor, so we know he can do it – it’s just this spy is more in the realm of Austin Powers than Bond.
Those are my choices for the main cast, but, of course, there’s plenty more to discuss. From Melissa McCarthy playing Helga to the Youngish Man being Elijah Wood, Old Mother Blumenthal being played by Helena Bonham Carter, and Mistress Sweetjuice being the one and only Lizzo, there are endless possibilities for Rocky Flinktone’s masterpiece.
Whether it’ll all come to fruition, though, remains to be seen. Flinstone’s promised to interview characters in an upcoming podcast series, but whether that’ll be animated or rolled into another HBO series is, as yet, unconfirmed.
What we do know, though, is that the Belinda Blinked cast – at least in this iteration – and the wider world of pots and pans has never looked sexier.