Television Top Trumps - Amy Santiago vs Zoe from Gossip Girl

Remember that golden time in the noughties when Thursday nights on E4 were the funniest time in the week? Back when we didn’t know how Friends ended, or that the final season of Scrubs would be so disappointingly terrible, or that one day Thursdays would just be the day where everyone gets drunk because it’s almost the weekend and then regrets it because “almost” doesn’t mean “actually is”? Well, that golden time is pretty much back, and that’s all thanks to the wonder that is Brooklyn Nine-Nine, which is – you guessed it – on E4 on Thursday nights. But there’s no Ross and Rachel here – no, it’s Jake Peralta and his police-y chums, who include Amy Santiago. But who’s better – Amy, or actress Melissa Fumero’s earlier character of Zoe from Gossip Girl?


Zoe: Whatever Blair Waldorf is wearing, but worse. Which mainly means strange hair accessories, very bright colours and endless high heels. Basically, she’s the preppie you’d encounter on a bad acid trip. 4/10

Amy: Detective Santiago is all about the pant suit, which is American for just a normal suit, rather than a suit where you’ve forgotten your trousers. She’s quite partial to grey. And displaying no flair whatsoever. Can’t possibly break any rules, after all. 3/10


Zoe: Long before minions were bright yellow and plastered all over everyone’s Facebook with annoying quotes, Zoe was one of Blair’s dedicated minions during her apparently quite brief stint at Columbia. Which means that everything she did, all the time, was to impress Blair. Except when she turned against her for an episode and then disappeared, never to be spoken of again. Now we just need to yellow ones to do the same. 8/10

Amy: If there’s one thing Amy Santiago loves, it’s an authority figure. Especially when that authority figure is Captain Raymond Holt, the most deadpan man in the entire NYPD. Amy’s professional life is dedicated to impressing him as much as possible, and doing everything he asks. Which, if we’re honest, Holt does not take advantage of anywhere near as much as he could/should. 9/10


Zoe: Questionable, to possibly lacking entirely. All Zoe appears to want is to help Blair Waldorf succeed, and maybe to get featured on Gossip Girl. Which is odd, given that she’s apparently made her way into an Ivy League college and so must be smart. Or rich. She’s probably just rich. 1/10

Amy: Amy doesn’t just love authority figures, she wants to be one one day. Yes, she’s all about becoming Captain and having a precinct of her very own. Which would likely have more rules than any other precinct in the world has ever had before. 10/10


Zoe: None. None whatsoever. It’s almost like she’s not a fully rounded character and is only there to serve as a purposefully generic type of girl who Blair sees as being entirely disposable. Almost. 1/10

Amy: A sitcom isn’t a sitcom without a will they/won’t they couple, so of course Amy spends the first two seasons faffing around the issue of whether or not she’ll get together with Jake Peralta. Who is also an excellent detective, but has entirely different methods. Methods that largely involve making things up as you go along and taking the piss out of people. They sound like our kind of efforts. 9/10


Zoe: They’re not coworkers in the strict sense of the world, being as they are indentured servants who are just hoping for free passage into the Upper East Side’s social elite, but still, Zoe’s fellow minions exist. They’re just almost entirely indistinguishable from her. 3/10

Amy: Amy’s coworkers are all so excellent that you could spend an entire evening arguing with your other half about which one of them is the best. You could do that. We’re not saying we have. That definitely doesn’t happen every Thursday night. 10/10


Zoe: After growing tired of being part of Blair’s endless schemes, Zoe decides to team up with her at-that-point-arch-enemy Chuck. Because, being as she is a minion, she’s incapable of coming up with her own schemes. 2/10

Amy: Tired of being passed over for the traditional Halloween showdown between Holt and Peralta, Amy launches her own sneaky plan to claim the prize behind everyone else’s back. And succeeds. Apparently, it is possible to break some rules after all. 9/10


Amy takes it with a stellar 50 to Zoe’s pathetic 19. It’s almost like Amy is a properly rounded character and Zoe’s just a minor bit-player. Almost. And yes, in this one, specific instance, “almost” does in fact mean “actually is”

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