Week Eight

It's the first of the live shows! The judges bicker, there are half naked dancers galore and Kitty got her bits out again. What did our reviewers think? Some of them were cross at the music, some of them were amused at how much James's hair looks like Garry's, and one of them wrote a 450 word rant about fat-prejudice. This should be an interesting read.


Garry Pinches — aka, The Professional Musician
Saturday: X-Factor night again, surely the highlight of my week. No kidding people, I've honestly spent all week looking forward to a Saturday evening stuck in front of the TV listening to what are at best mediocre singers. Here are a list of thoughts popped into my head during tonight's show

1. The only real talent on the show lies with the session musos they get in to mime to these muppets.
2. Amelia Lily - Bah. What happened to her eyes?
3. Johnny has the voice of a children's entertainer, I don't mean that in a derogatory way either.
4. Naked men, tacky dresses and a pink convertible 306...... Classy
5. Auto-tune software is going to have it's work cut out for the inevitable Christmas single.
6. Not the fault of the contestants I know, but some some of the arrangements were just bloody awful, especially Ticket to Ride.
7. Stop rapping!
8. Stop breathing, Frankie.
9. Wow, I never knew there were notes that could cause me physical pain.
10. The groups are shit.
11. I said stop bloody rapping!
12. Why did they put the fat kid on a diet? Let the poor guy have a burger! If you read this Craig there's a Whopper meal on me. - If you stop singing.
13. I wonder if Frankie's dead yet.
14. Fuck off Louis
15. How did the judges get so far in the music industry when they're all clearly tone deaf?
16. Kitty welcomes criticism - Kitty you can't sing and you come across as a bitch. (nine paragraphs have been removed from this section to avoid liable action)
17. I think we all know that even if Janet doesn't win she'll still be the most successful contestant of the series.

Sunday: These Sunday night shows sure do drag, don't they!? There's not a great deal to say about tonight really as we all knew who was going to stay and who was going to go. Complete arse-monkeys like Frankie get to stay in even though they have the vocal talent of a kitten stapled to the inside of a microwave and put onto defrost for an hour.

12 acts remain and at this stage I predict that Janet will win and be robbed of her innocence by a soulless record label. Poor girl.


Sam Burnett — aka, The One Who Thinks He's Simon Cowell
Saturday: For goodness' sake. Really? Oh.

Sunday: The show is turning into the class bully who gets a few laughs doing some minor slapping around but suddenly goes too far and doesn't realise it. 'Oh, so you enjoyed laughing at those stupid people who thought they could sing but couldn't really? Haha. Watch us destroy four people's dreams live on Sunday telly.'

I'm telling you now, this will be like the Holocaust - will be able to deny that we knew what was going on when our new overlords take power following society's inevitable implosion following the live final at Wembley? Exactly. Both of the live shows have been excruciating for multifarious reasons - I have everything crossed next week will see a return to some relative normalcy. Provided they ditch the ridiculous twists...

James Morris — aka, The Other Musician Who Happened To Be Watching It With Amy And Garry
I felt obliged to watch The X Factor tonight as I was with several people doing the same thing. I now feel I need ear correction surgery, and I've lost the ability to be a proper musician ever again. Help. Does anyone have the number for the ITC for me to complain about the mis-categorisation of this as a music show?

Stefan Pinches — aka, The Bloke Who Was Forced To Watch It
The judges don't make it fair enough for the contestants, the songs don't show off singing. Some of the song choices were a bit...crap. And they were completely out of key. Too much rapping.


Nick Bryan — aka, Mister Sensible
So, the first live weekend of X Factor is over. There was a twist, announced days in advance to prevent any suspense, and if you care enough to be reading this, you know what it was by now. On the plus side, it did remove four contestants and spare us dull opening weeks of having the weaker members of the tribe picked off by us predators.

Comment on the actual singing? For once? Okay. Few of them stood out much, Frankie Cocozza in particular must be a source of undying frustration to X Factor, as his image is a vat-grown specimen of a pop star to sell to teen girls, but his singing is among the weakest of the finalists. Still, he won’t be going out for a while, as no doubt they hope to train it into him.

In other news, Louis Walsh has decided that all his acts must contend with gaudy, distracting stage shows whether they can sing or not, I imagine Janet and Misha will be here until the final, or damn close to it, and Marcus was the only act in the whole damn show who changed my opinion for the better with his performance.

And yes, as Amy has already covered in furious detail, the judges’ preoccupation with Craig’s weight rather than his vocals was a bit ill-considered. However, I was happy to see the panel finally showing signs of competition and disunity now they’re live and unedited.

As for the groups, um, well, they’re still there. I had no idea which would be evicted, but nor did I care. I was pleasantly surprised that Louis didn’t evict Sami, but that was about the only time I felt anything much during the results announcement, aside from boredom at how padded that show was.
And for what it’s worth, next week I predict one of the groups or Sophie will be packing their bags. Feel free to fight back with your own foresights.


And finally, Amy Jones — The (Ex) Reluctant Obsessive
Saturday: So the theme was British and American songs? So...Uh, just songs then? Songs that The X Factor would have chosen anyway. Yeah. Interesting.

I was going to do a blow by blow account of what I thought of each performer. I wrote it up, even. But then I got to Craig.

Craig, you may have noticed, is a little bit overweight. Not hideously obese or anything, but sure, he’s carrying a little extra weight. So Gary has put him on a diet.

I have nothing wrong with healthy eating — seriously, I have a cooking blog devoted to healthy recipes where one of my main goals is to see how many vegetables I can fit into one meal. But this is ridiculous.

They’re not putting Craig on a healthy diet because he was previously eating unhealthily. They’re putting him on a diet because they think he’s fat and he needs to change that to be a popstar. So the others can have burgers, but he must have salad because fat people cannot eat the food of regular people, they must eat salad until they are stick thin.

THEN, after Craig performed a song that was pretty good (I have issues with the lagging behind and the weird faces that made him look like he was struggling to push out a huge poo, but it was better than most of the performances tonight), pretty much the only thing everyone could comment on was his weight loss. Lois said that he was glad he was taking this “seriously” — because not wanting to lose weight obviously just means he’s pissing around. Tulisa banged on about how he was no longer playing “the funny man” — why was he funny? BECAUSE HE WAS FAT? Because the only good thing about fat people is that they are inherently funny? There was no other notion of him being funny, so it must have been that he was fat.

I’m so, so angry about this. The X Factor was the first show that really allowed fat people to be judged as normal human beings on TV. And now that’s clearly changed, because clearly fat people are hideously and can't be successful artists. I mean look at Katy Perry! She’s really thin and she is, like, sooooooo good at singing! And then fatties like Adele are just shite, aren’t they? Oh.

They wouldn’t have done this with a woman for fear of causing outrage. So would they just have hidden it? Made the poor girl live on lettuce in secret?

Fuck you, Gary Barlow. And fuck you X Factor. There are worse shitting things than being fat. I cannot believe that you made a guy lose weight. You are a shit.

Sunday: I love Cee Lo Green. They made Janet look like a ginger Wednesday Adams. Tulisa needs to stop crying. Bored of this now.

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