Let's get the easy stuff out of the way:
"I will literally roar my way to the top" - I'm looking forward to seeing her 'literally' do that. Maybe there will be task where they have to make the best animal noises.
"They call me the 'master puppeteer' " - I think you misheard 'bator' as 'puppeteer' there.
"I call myself the blonde assassin" - well you'd have to as no-one else in their right mind would give you that nickname. Hell, no-one out of their mind would either. At least not with the -assin bit on the end anyways.
"I'm like a shark, I'm right at the top of the food chain." It's true, sharks are very high up the food chain. There's not many things above them. Fingers crossed he's not competing against any humans in this contest then. He is also the "reflection of perfection" which makes even less sense than these things usually do - he's back to front?
I do wonder how they get them to say stuff like this. Have they never seen the show? Do they not know that people like me and the entirety of Twitter will mock them for this sort of thing for the entire twelve weeks?
And so it's time to meet the boss, Sir Alan Lord Sugar: "Good Morning. Welcome in to this...err... boardroom." Never the most eloquent of men is Sugar, but you'd think they could have done a couple of takes of his opening line so he could get at least that much right. The camera doesn't let us see Nick's reaction, which I imagine is him doing sign language for they wouldn't let me get away with that on Countdown.
He's after a partner: "the Marks to my Spencer, the Lennon to my McCartney" and it seems like there should have been a third analogy there, but he probably went off-script and said "the Wool to my Worths" or something. Also, I'm fairly sure he thinks he's better than any of the contestants, which means he thinks McCartney was better than Lennon. Which explains a lot. He'd also like to make it clear that if he was on the other side of the table, he would totally win The Apprentice.
Sir Alan would like everyone to know that he's reviewed all their business proposals, and they're all ones that he's interested in. The ones he wasn't interested in were thrown out ages ago. He has to point that out as last series it became apparent no-one had bothered to read them before the final, which turned out to be an issue as Helen, the most promising candidate, had a proposal that was mental, while the ultimate winner, Tom, wanted to make chairs, but Sugar saved the day by convincing him to make nail files instead. He almost ended up investing in Jim's not-for-profit venture, so that was a narrow escape and something he's not keen on repeating.
The task this week is to print a design on something and sell it. Then it turns out that one of the contestants is a professional wrestler called Ricky Martin. I'd joke about that but I don't care.
Team-men are called "Phoenix", which is awkward, as it symbolises a return from death or disaster. Rising from the ashes is a lovely image, but you have to be set on fire first. Consider this me volunteering to provide matches. The girls are called "Sterling" which is a fairly decent and original name actually, even if it came from someone's dream and makes me think of Mark Sheppard's character in Leverage.
They all sit around and talk about the margin. "It's all about making the margin" apparently. Basically, either none of them know what a margin is, or they're illiterate. Hurrah. The girls decide to make baby products and the guys try and sell things to tourists, and so that's the point at which the guys win. Because the girls might have a better product with a more clearly defined market and far better long-term prospects, but the nature of the show is that have one day to flog them on the streets of the London and tourists are far more likely to make impulse purchases on the street.
No-one has a huge fight, nor does anything exciting happen in the actual task, so we only get about 20 minutes of it. At one point the girls try and sell off their stock to a woman at a nearby store, and get rejected, which all seems fine. But then a guy comes out and tells them off and it all gets quite weird. Who is this man? Does he just want to be on TV? It doesn't make sense that he'd be her manager, as she seemed to have the authority to buy stock. It's just creepy, because the girl handled it perfectly well then he goes out and kind of humiliates her.
Then the guys get caught out as some of the stock that they sold off to the one store is marked and below standard, and they end up refunding her. And it's one of those odd Apprentice moments where you wish you could see the rule book, because why would you refund a customer? Even if she's in the right, which she was, you don't have to worry about repeat custom or company reputation, and any legal comeback wouldn't happen until well after the boardroom, and likely the series, had finished.
The men win, and the girls are sent off the cafe to work out why they lost. And Nick gives Katie the kiss of death by pointing out to Sir Alan that she did bugger all. None of them order food, despite the fact that someone has clearly re-arranged all the cafe tables to fit everyone in.
So everything is set up for a Katie firing. Nick hates her, Sugar warned them at the start that he wouldn't stand for people hiding, the narrative is all in place. But Katie isn't going home tonight, for the simple reason that they haven't even shown enough footage of her yet to fill a 90-second "your highlights" video on The Apprentice: You're Fired.
Luckily for her, Bilyana has a problem with shutting up. She ignores and talks over Sugar a number of times, then starts talking about 'risk analysis' and other business words that Sugar hates, then starts offering her life story and all about how she was made head girl, which Sugar also hates because the last time he fell for a rags to riches story the winner left him after two months.
Still, after all this it seems like Sugar is ready to fire Katie, but Bilyana still refuses to shut up, even during Sugar's "summing up" monologue. Which he really doesn't like. And so she goes home, and Katy gets let off the hook. As an added bonus, Sugar gets to remind Nick who the boss is on this show by ignoring his advice. Honestly, I think Katy has a shot at winning the entire thing now. Unlike many of the others, she's not a loudmouth, blustering nutter, and she's now had the kick up the arse she needed to make sure that she doesn't let being a decent person get her fired.
Next week: inventing things! Aww, Sir Alan has clearly been hanging out with Tom a lot.