Week Fourteen

It was Movie Week this week on the X Factor, and the remaining contestants tried to bring us all the glitz and glamour usually reserved for the red carpet. But how did they do? And how did newcomer Amelia Lily cope?

Nick Bryan — aka, Mister Nice Guy
As we veer towards the end of X Factor 2011, the field has been flayed down to a relatively dull group who, for the most part, are recognisable for being inoffensive. I would, in particular, like to know who is being roused to vote for Craig, who is so boring that I can barely remember he even performed.

The usual exception to the above would be Misha, but even she was as dull as dishwater this week. Of course, that seems to be the key to survival, so after being in the bottom two yet again, she’s now deploying the double hit of family drama and a tedious ballad. If this can’t keep her in, who knows what will?

Janet and Marcus both rattled off competent performances that played heavily to their strengths, Little Mix attempted a very good song they didn’t have strong enough voices to sing and Amelia was among the more interesting, to me, but that may be because I’ve not had the chance to grow bored of her. And to no-one’s surprise, the Movie Night theme meant “This was once in a movie, honest”.

Eviction predictions: it’s actually a hard one to call - Misha still seems unpopular, but if the pity vote keeps her above water, Janet or Little Mix, perhaps?

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Sam Burnett — aka, The One Who Thinks He's Simon Cowell
Saturday: Phew, only three more weeks to go. What a slog this has been. Movie week wasn't quite the glitzy affair we might have hoped for - you get the feeling with most song choices that they've been leafing through the karaoke book and couldn't find the first seven songs they thought of.

Truth is, the finalists by now are fairly capable, rather it's their personalities I object to. This relentless hammering of back story as a vague substitution for charisma is silly. Tom Jones was bed-ridden with tuberculosis for a year as a teenager and listened to music. Because he'd been ill he couldn't work down the mines and ended up singing in the local pubs. He could blow the head off a pint of beer with his voice, but what you've never had when he performs is a short VT of him sobbing about not being able to play outside. I'm quite looking forward to The Voice on BBC1, actually.

Sunday: I'm just not that bothered anymore. It's like everyone's counting down the minutes until Britain's Got Talent already. Ooh look, Rihanna. Wasn't she better last series? I don't think she was miming, at least. And that Rebecca Ferguson, wasn't she on last series too? Oh yes, didn't win. There's an X Factor rule of thumb at this stage of the season that the bigger the second act the worse the first one.

And was that really Bryan Adams? Sheesh. As if there weren't adverts every five minutes, someone pops up hawking some crap or other in every five minutes between the adverts. Look, we always knew the show was a money-making machine, but let's not drop the facade that we're getting value out of it. There is a recession on after all. I might have to downsize to a lesser talent show.

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Sarah Hill — aka, The Wannabee Auditionee
We’re supposedly getting into the nitty gritty now there are only six people left in the competition, so why do I still feel like I don’t really know or care about any of the contestants?

Craig was up first singing an almost disco diva version of a forgettable Bong song. I’ve not watched a lot of Bond films so I can’t comment on how true it was to the original but I’ve got to be honest, this boy just isn’t doing it for me. It’s nothing personal, he’s just not tapping into my style.

Janet came out and simpered her way through ‘Kiss Me’, making me want to kick her in the process. I feel like she’s manufactured even tho she’s probably not - something about her sadly comes across as disingenuous and dare I say it a bit stuck up? Also she was taller than Dermot this week and that’s always a no go.

Amelia came out and did an Aretha Franklin song that Tulisa didn’t recognise. The fact that I didn’t either now means that Tulisa and I have something in common and I’m not sure I can forgive Amelia for that. Also, she’s incredibly polished for a girl that got kicked out in week one. I smell a produced-sized rat.

Misha B was boring and bland this week singing ‘I Have Nothing’ and crying herself a river when she’d finished. Gary told her to be herself and to go out with her dignity and I think he’s got a point. I don’t dislike her and I don’t know why the public seem so uninclined to vote for her but I much preferred her first couple of performances to these so please, bring back the old Misha with the crazy hair and the slightly annoying rap in the middle of every song.

Little Mix were the stand out performance for me, possibly because they did one of my favourite songs ‘Don’t Let Go’ by En Vogue. Giving them a girl group song as opposed to a solo artist really helped them not to trip up over each other. Bravo girls.

Marcus did another of my favourite songs with ‘Your Love Is Lifting Me Higher’ but paired it with his 50s ensemble again (this time in hot pink) and I fell into a boredom induced coma. Pep it up, Marcus or I’ll start wishing you were in the bottom two. As it is I hope it’ll be Craig and Janet but it’ll probably be Misha B because I’m rubbish at predicting these things.

Amy Jones — aka, The Reluctant Obsessive
I missed this week, the first time I've missed reviewing since this series began. And not only did I just not care, I was actually relieved to not have to sit through it.

There's only a few weeks to go now, and every fibre of my body is praying that they cancel it after this year. It's just not very good, is it?

Mind you, I know that with the amount of money they'll probably be making, there's more chance of Craig becoming a successful recording artist. Sorry Craig, you're sweet but I'm not surprised you went out.

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