Week Twelve

It's Bonfire Night, and half the country are staring at the sky and saying "Ooooo" and "Ahhhhh". The rest are sitting at home watching The X Factor, saying "Owwww" and "Eeessssh".

Sam Burnett — aka, The One Who Thinks He's Simon Cowell
Do you remember a regular weekly music programme that showcased popular talent and had a strong audience participation element? I miss Top of the Pops. X Factor seems to be turning into a cross between that and Noel's House Party. Club week didn't highlight anyone's talents, just the seemingly limitless ITV1 budget.

The main attraction of TotP was that no-one appearing on it told you how excited they were to be there and you definitely didn't have to see their sodding family. The reason that no X Factor winner has gone particularly colossal is that we like a bit of mystique. If I had to watch Sir Tom Jones making a cup of tea or Kylie going on about how she missed her cat I would give up all music forever, the end.

Rebecca Brodeur — aka, The One Who Is Usually Asleep
Animals across the UK are shivering with fear in their homes. Yes, it must be yet another performance night on The X Factor.

We learned Gary is a bit of a bitch, Louis can be too, but with far more wit and exasperation.

Some of the contestants had rough nights. I felt bad for Janet and Craig, both not entirely suited to this week’s theme. Didn’t like the stress they placed on Janet having taken control this week, as if the Powers-That-Be feel we need to know this. Did appreciate them both trying something uptempo though, even if it showed up flaws in performances.

I should now probably admit I really like Marcus. But what was clever tonight, was that he managed to stand out by picking a song with a quite different style. Loved it. In the same vein, Misha’s sheer enjoyment in performing tonight matched Marcus’ and it helped make her relatable, that and the new hair style and smile! Good choices, both.

Kitty loves leotards. She does. More than anyone should. Didn’t enjoy her or Johnny as much as previous weeks, though – maybe it’s because expectations for the most flamboyant performers were high for ‘club classics’ week.

I actually and honestly started laughing as soon as Frankie opened his mouth on stage. That’s what you call car crash TV. Booing, and looking like he’s given up, it was quite something. Followed by judge name-calling and squabbling. Ah, The X Factor.

Finally, the groups – The Risk sounded nice but I kind of forgot about them by the time Misha was performing. Didn’t particularly Little Mix even though the judges and studio audience seemed to, but I’m probably too old to ‘get’ them. Or maybe it wasn’t good.

Is it because I’m getting kind of sleepy? Who knows?! Looking forward to a double eviction either way, it’s time to get rid of a couple of these acts (though I’m saddened we can’t just get rid of Frankie twice).

Garry Pinches — aka, The Professional Musician
I'll start with some positives about tonight's X-Factor, a rarity from me I know. Musically we had sound performance from Marcus and Micha, and although he's not an amazing vocalist I really do like Johnny as he just seems like an utterly pleasant fellow.

Now then, onto Frankie... It should come as no surprise to anyone that he was shit tonight because, well let's face it he's shit. He admits openly he's not great, his mentor Gary admits he's not great so come on now people, you've had you're fun keeping the little scamp in the competition. Let's just get rid of him before he really pisses me off.

Amy Jones — aka, The Reluctant Obsessive
Apart from Marcus's performance, which is everything I wish music is, tonight was really dull. Squabbling judges: Dull. Kitty ripping off a Nun's habit: Dull. Oh, but Janet forgot the words. I guess that wasn't dull.

Usually you can see who is going to win straight from the start. That isn't happening here. Could it be Johnny? Or Marcus? Or Misha? Or Janet? Or Little Mix? Who knows. You'd think this would add an element of excitement, but it doesn't. It just means none of them are actually good enough to completely capture my heart and make me want them to win, or think they could.

Meh. Double eviction tomorrow night. Frankie and...The Risk? I honestly don't care.

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