Television Top Trumps - Robert Kardashian vs Ross Geller

This week in Top Trumps, we’re all about 1994. Yes, that’s right, 1994. Because long before Kim, another Kardashian was all over American TV – and that was, as you may have guessed, in 1994. That time is being recreated for us thanks to The People vs OJ Simpson, which we’re having to watch one episode at a time. It’s like the BBC want us to do something other than slump on our sofas for six hours at a time while slowly losing touch with reality.

Elsewhere in 1994, Friends was premiering. And starring in that was David Schwimmer, who 22 years later is playing Robert Kardashian c.1994. It’s like he’s got a real affinity to that particular year. But which character wins?

HAIR

Robert: You may think that The People vs OJ Simpson is a show about “the trial of the century”, but you’d be wrong. It’s a show about hair. Ridiculous, overdone, daft-looking 90s hair. And Robert Kardashian doesn’t let us down with his gigantic bouffant helmet. It ‘s even got a resplendent white streak, just to really hammer home that this is hair that you cannot ignore. Because you can’t ignore a Kardashian. Ever. They’re everwhere. Always. With their hair. 9/10

Ross: Ah, good old “Wet-Head” Geller. Back in the actual 90s, Ross used as much hair gel as he could physically pour onto his head. Apparently it felt “crispy”, which is what you always want from a hairdo. Crispiness. It’s a wonder they never made him a L’Oreal spokesperson. 4/10

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OCCUPATION

Robert: Like almost everyone else in the show, our man Kardashian is a lawyer. Although he’d let his license lapse when the show started, so God only knows what he was doing before that. Carefully dyeing that streak into his hair, perhaps? 6/10

Ross: He’s the Dinosaur Guy! Which makes him a paleontologist in the land of actual job titles. But not really the active, digging for dinosaurs type, presumably because that would just take him away from Central Perk for too long. No, Ross is a museums and colleges kind of paleontologist. The less cool kind, basically. Which is one hell of an achievement, really. 5/10

PROFESSIONAL QUANDRIES

Robert: You’d think that given Robert’s part of the “Dream Team” he’d have no troubles. It’s a dream, after all! Unfortunately, it seems that all those lawyers a bit hate each other and all have different opinions on how to defend OJ. Cue lots of sitting around looking very, very concerned. Very concerned indeed. 9/10

Ross: In perhaps the greatest professional treachery of all time, Ross has to contend with the fact that someone ate his sandwich. HIS SANDWICH. With a special moistmaker and everything. It’s apparently bad enough that he has to take a leave of absence. Who knew lunch was so serious? 4/10

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OFFSPRING

Robert: Oh so many K-named babies. So many of them. And Rob, but nobody ever remembers him because he doesn’t post naked selfies and “break the internet”. Not that any of them were doing that back in 1994, because they were children and the internet was yet to become the ubiquitous smut-fest it is today. Still, they show up in the show more than is strictly necessary, given that they have absolutely nothing to do with the trial. But, y’know, they’re Kardashians. KARDASHIANS. They must be EVERYWHERE. 7/10

Ross: In contrast to those Kardashians, Ross’s children turn up when the writers remember that he has children and they should probably feature them every now and then. There’s Ben, who’s quite frankly just a bit irritating, and Emma, who seems to be conveniently napping a lot of the time. As far as we know, neither of them have ever broken the internet. 3/10

LOVE LIFE

Robert: Not great, really. He and ex-wife Kris are on opposing sides when it comes to OJ’s guilt, and it seems that Robert’s far too busy trying to her lawyers to bother using his new-found fame to try and find himself another lady. Because nothing is more important than making sure that OJ is OK. 2/10

Ross: Really, do you actually need an answer to this one? Because he’s half of one of the most iconic sitcom pairings of all time. If you don’t know what we’re talking about then you are a cultural fool. 10/10

FRIENDS

Robert: The man seemingly only has one friend. And that’s “Juice.” And he has to say the word “Juice” a lot, which has undoubtedly spawned some kind of drinking game. But as friends go, he seems pretty questionable. What with the whole “being on trial for murder” thing, and all. 2/10

Ross: Again, do you really need an answer to this? Really? REALLY? The entire show was all about his friends. It was even called Friends. It’s still the staple of Comedy Central’s programming. If you don’t know them, then away with you. Still, when you watch them back these days they can get a bit annoying and dated. But, y’know, they’re iconic and all. 8/10

THE VERDICT

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It’s a close call, but the winner in this particular battle is Robert with 35 to Ross’s 34. It must be that streak in the hair that did it.

Last updated: 06/08/2018 14:47:34

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