The Apprentice 11.01. Fish Week

The Apprentice is back which means some of the most cringeworthy television to odiously blare from our sets. This time around the stern, menacing glare of Claude will be there for the entire process. So what pearls of business wisdom do our hopefuls hope to impress with this time? "I want to be a global phenomenon", "I'm DISGUSTINGLY ambitious", "I'm like a Swiss Army knife of business skills" and "I want to be richer than Lord Sugar and that WILL happen." Oh, this should be fun.

For a first task, heading to a fish market then producing food to sell for profit sounds pretty simple. Then again, team names and captains had to be agreed upon which is where the trouble really began. 'Team Versatile' (no, really) chose Selina for their project manager, even though she barely wanted the gig. Soon enough they had decided upon calamari and fish finger sandwiches as a combination of low and high end products, simple. 'Team Connexus' (not much better is it) found their PM in April due to her food blog. Later on we discover Brett actually worked as a sous chef in a FISH RESTAURANT making him more than ideal for the task, how it could have all been so different. Eventually April decided on tuna nicoise salad and fishcakes with little, if any, reasoning behind it.

After a 2.30am wake up call the teams were out scrambling for deals in the fish market. Well, apart from April who settled at the first stall for cod as if she was on holiday and forgotten all about margins. Selina did not fare much better after being sucked in for squid at £5 p/kg which looked dodgy at best.

Back in the kitchen Brett finally decided to take the lead with the fishcakes, out of a proposed 300 he had stuck to the specifications and come out with 89 jumbos. Not good. Despite the paltry numbers they somehow managed to miss lunch and got out for 1.30 which was pretty much a fail right there. Then April decided to price her tuna nicoise salad in Tupperware at £9. Unsurprisingly there were few takers and the price dropped to a still ludicrous £6.50. This meant sellers had to try that extra bit harder and Ruth really was trying with her creepily earnest 'That's lovely, enjoy' patter. At least she was selling, unlike Dan who managed to sell absolutely nothing. Not a single thing.

Versatile, and Selina in particular, displayed some nous by targeting tourists at Camden Market. Their takeaway gourmet fish finger sandwiches and calamari were making a roaring trade, until they discovered a box of squid that had been left in the sun and hit 15c so was (even more) unfit for human consumption. The team got so desperate there was a pitch to sell fish fingers in a vegan restaurant, there's a pun in there somewhere. Their selling descended into farce with commuters being asked if they fancied some fish fingers to take home.

Back in the boardroom the sums had been made and Versatile had come out with a tidy £200.29 profit. Then a moment that was made for live pause as Connexus came out with a profit of £1.87 which would barely buy you a pack of fish fingers. And you thought Ruth's technicolour jacket was shocking. April escaped with a reprieve and despite Brett being called back in over the size of a fishcake he survived too. For generally being quite useless Dan was the first to go.

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