Singles Round-Up: 10th August 2014

It's like something out of Boys' Own: it's cup final day. It's one goal apiece with five minutes to go. The star striker goes down with cramp! There's only one sub left on the bench - the old defender. His knees are gone. He no longer really understands the modern game. He pulls off his tracksuit, stretches those weary limbs and runs onto the pitch, the crowd chanting his name and his head racing with the possibility of one last hurrah! The last few minutes are a desperate scramble. Clearing the ball from his own goal line, he finds Thommo in space and charges upfield after him. Thommo has beaten the left back and cut back inside. He's screaming for the ball! The defence are static - no-one knows who's supposed to be marking him! Thommo finds him on the edge of the box with an inch-perfect pass. He pulls back his right leg and hits the sweetest ball of his career. It's heading for the top left corner of the net! The crowd rise to their feet in anticipation ...

Anyway - a colleague's laptop is playing up. I've been drafted in as a last minute replacement. Let's see what half-digested pizzas the industry is serving up this weekend.

So impressed with Our Fold was Dave Grohl, he let them stand at the side of the stage when the Foos were playing a festival. 'She Goes On' is from the Stereophonics school of pub rock. It fails to breach the sturdy walls of Castle Inoffensive. Twin Atlantic? Ghastly. Biffy fucking Clyro have many, many questions to answer.

You may not remember Bush. They made a career from brazingly selling Nirvana knock-offs to middle America. I hear Laura Welsh's 'Break The Fall' and it just makes me think of Flo and her Machine. We already have one Flo, why would we need any more?

Rebeat's 'Walking Dead' is a ridiculous Eurobeat anthem with completely unintelligible zombie-themed video. A shoe-in for your gym's August playlist. Equally bizarre is the new one from Rizzle Kicks - actually Evian and Rizzle Kicks. Yeah, the water people. 'Tell Her (feat. Maria Sharapova') has a video so grimly cynical in its product placement, we're banning it. 'Impotently sticking it to The Man, one shitty video at a time!', that's us.

There were a few other tunes in the pile but, frankly, I'm already staring at the paracetamol. Oh, you want to hear the rest of the football tale? Keeper got his fingertips to it. Turned it onto the bar. Amazing. Game went to extra time. The opposition scored twice. The old defender never played another game. What happened to him? No-one's quite sure. There's mention of a pub in Spain. Others talk quietly of 'troubled times'. In truth, he's happy with his memories. Glad to be out the game he loved so much, but which now barely resembles that which lit up his boyhood. (Wait - what is this rubbish? - Ed.)

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