McFly - Greatest Hits
It beggars belief, of course, that they ever managed to become a big deal. That impressionable youngsters actually spent their Silk Cut money on this hapless lot. Looking back, you half admire the temerity. Four ‘cheeky’ lads (introduced to the world by Busted, don’t forget) with a shallow penchant for skater chic, a bagful of jangly guitar pop and goonery that makes The Monkees look like Monty Python. I always smelt a rat; for a start, if you wear a Ramones t-shirt but you sound like all your guitars have been turned down to 3, you’re probably not as punk as you’d like to think you are. This shower, heaven help us, weren’t even that pop.
Duty demands I reacquaint myself with their limp racket. It still stinks, make no mistake. Debut ‘Five Colours in her Hair’, with the guitar riff from hell, is here, as is the soppy folk strum of ‘It’s All About You’. ‘Star Girl’, ‘Obviously’, ‘I’ll Be OK’. All the classics are here. Don’t forget their mauling of Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop me Now’. Well, try - if you can. And hey, lads, if you were ever that rock ‘n’ roll, you’d have written the odd song about why she’s a ****ing cow for leaving you, rather than all this ‘Ooh baby, you’re the world to me’ bollocks. Sops.
And, music aside … don’t you just want to smack them around the side of the head ? Every single time you see them pop up on the telly, gurning their way through whatever chat show they’ve pitched up on this week, they’re giving a master class in smug. Danny, the one who all the girls fancied until he stopped straightening his hair, smirks witlessly like the worst kind of self-satisfied failed school bully. Tom, he of the tuneless growl, is Hale to his Pace. The Other Two loom, a rhythm section vacuum. What’s that noise ? Listen. It’s the sound, let’s hope and pray, of posters coming down. Come on girls, do the right thing. McFly – even the ****ing name beggars belief ! – suck to such a mystifying degree that future generations will devote cave drawings to their inexplicable success.