Katie Price and Peter Andre - A Whole New World
I feel sorry for Peter Andre, don't you ? I mean, he always comes a cross as such a decent, stand-up guy. You can imagine being his mate; he'd never let you down. I picture him living in his own Summer Bay, looking out into the ocean while his lovely partner (maybe that nice Steph from 'Neighbours' ?) brings him chilled VB as he strums through new song ideas. They walk in the surf, hold hands, think about children, Peter makes himself a bit of a niche in the Aussie music scene. He'll never have the Nick Cave cachet he'd really like (Did I just even say that ?) but, you know, quietly accepted as a bit of an okay popster. Tolerated in a 'He's alright, that Peter Andre' kind of way. I'd like that for him, I really would.
Ah, well. One series of that daft jungle camp programme later and he's back at number one with his cod-reggae and married to a glamour model in Essex. Steph from 'Neighbours' wouldn't have worn pink velour tracksuits, carried little yappy dogs around or had a range of pink watches with her, ahem, profile, embossed on them (as what - a sign of quality ?) in Argos. Essex, chavvy family, OK magazine wedding. Oh dear, Peter. Whatever happened to the old snags-on-the-barbie lifestyle you used to hold so dear ? And now you're forced into this desperate act to keep any sense of momentum for the rapidly vanishing musical side of your career.
Better talk about the record. Is it any good ? Nah. They do a load of covers of the type you'd expect and a few songs I've not heard of before which I presume were written by the producers for this album. Rumours of them having a bash at Radiohead's 'Paranoid Android' sadly prove unfounded. Have a guess what the production is like ... go on. Exactly. And that Jordan - can she sing ? Yeah, she can a bit - certainly better than her inability to speak properly would suggest but hey, what does she want ? Applause ? In a needs-to-labour-at-it way she carries a tune okay but nowhere near as well as, say, Jo from S Club or Claire from Steps. You see how I've pitched those comparisons ? I'm not daft. I was tempted to say "Not as well as Agnetha from ABBA or Juanita from Howling Bells" ... but a brief second of common sense caught hold of me and the moment passed. On one level you find yourself almost admiring the force of ego that must have led to this unholy folly; but on another you just think, It makes my ears hurt.
Proceeds go to charity. Blimey. So when poor Peter retreats to the Melbourne sunshine in a couple of years to fiddle with his decks, Heat photographers hot (well, warm) in pursuit, he won't even have any dosh to show for it. Insania.