"When it comes to Monopoly, I absolutely will not stand for losing and will sabotage the entire game so I can win" Idle chit-chat with Lauren Pattison

Building a name for herself, Lauren Pattison has been supporting the likes of Katherine Ryan, playing four years in a row at Latitude Festival, and being nominated for many awards. She's started well. We caught up with her before her return to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

Hey Lauren, how the devil are you?

I’m alright. My eye hurts. I  have been at Latitude Festival all weekend and think I have dust in it. Or festival germs. I’m squinting like a pirate or a Cyclops or an elderly person trying to work out if the bus approaching is the one I need.

What have you been up to today?

I have been answering a lot of questions about myself while Love Island plays in the background. I have sneezed several times and eaten two sausages.

First real question, it’s a toughie… how many other Lauren’s do you know?

Luckily for me, I don’t know of any on the UK comedy scene which is HOW I WANT IT TO STAY PLEASE, THE LAUREN QUOTA IS FULL. In the real, I know loads of Lauren’s. I think there were about half a dozen in my year alone at school. Clearly Lauren was a popular name in 1993. I also know lots of Laura’s which is not my name but lots of people often think it is and I still answer to it cause I am too British and polite for my own good.

Your bio on your website doesn’t really tell us much about you, so tell us about yourself, in the style of a haiku.

I don’t think I need to tell people all about me in a bio on my website cause they learn that stuff about me on stage. The bio on my website is to sell me as a comedian, whereas the bio on my Tinder, for example, is to sell me as a person and lover. Anyway, haiku -

My name is Lauren

I have four types of cheese in

My fridge at present

Describe your comedy style.

I tell jokes and swear and sometimes talk about sex so I get called things like ‘coarse’ and ‘filthy’ when really it just means I am a normal comedian who tells jokes and swears and sometimes talks about sex but I’m one of the woman ones so this is what makes those things ‘filthy’ apparently.

Tell us what you can about your new show for the Fringe, ‘Peachy’, in two sentences?

'Peachy' is about being proud of who you’ve become without forgetting who you are. It is very funny and I’ve worked bloody hard on it, even with the weather and World Cup determined to ruin previews across the land, and that is really all you should need to know to make a decision to buy a ticket.

How many times have you been to the Fringe, and what’s your best memory?

I went up for the semi-finals of 'So You Think You’re Funny' in 2012, went up with a play (wankerrrr) in 2013, mixed bill shows 2014-2015, a work in progress 2016, then my debut in 2017 and now my sophomore year. So that’s every year for seven years in some capacity, but only five years where I’ve done the whole month. My best memory is getting on the train home half an hour after my final show last year and knowing it was all done and that I’d bloody smashed the shit out of it. #StayHumble

You’ve an impressive list of runner-up awards, just how competitive are you?

I like to win but don’t mind losing to people who I deserved to lose to. A lot of the time in comedy just to be nominated or get to a certain final is enough recognition cause you had to beat off so much competition to get there. However, when it comes to Monopoly, I absolutely will not stand for losing and will sabotage the entire game so I can win.

We’ve heard Katherine Ryan has an impeccable face. You’ve supported her in the past, is it blemish-less, and what did you learn from her?

She is beautiful indeed, inside and out. The best advice she has given me is ‘know your worth’. I’m the kind of person who says yes to everything but I feel like I’m getting better now at deciding what it is I actually want to do, and what is worth me doing.

You’re a big user of Twitter, so is it a place for genuine discussion and debate by well-informed individuals or a smorgasbord of vile humans arguing with each other?

The best thing about Twitter is it gives everyone a voice. The worst thing about Twitter is it gives everyone a voice.

When was the last time you were star struck?

I queued to meet Bo Burnham after a gig in maybe 2013 and honestly I was speechless and looked like a rabbit in headlights in the photo. I would love the chance to meet him again so I could function like a human in front of him.

Tell us about your Freddo addiction?

I mean, I like them? They’re a perfectly good chocolate bar but probably not in my top five. That’s Milky Way – Twirl – Boost – Toffee Crisp – Twix. Is this cause I did a tweet saying I’d eaten too many Freddos and been sick during the World Cup? They were one of those sharing bags of chocolates (sharing, lol, no thanks) and it was Freddo faces so basically a bag of chocolate frog faces. I ate them all and it was a particularly tense game and hot day which I think it was contributed to the vomit more than the frog faces. I will update my website bio to clarify my stance on Freddos before this vicious rumour about an addiction spreads and ruins my career. Also, the ones with popping candy in can fuck right off.

I hope those chocolate bars aren't in order, clearly Twix is number one. Anyhow, what other comedian is worth checking out?

Tom Houghton, Kwame Asante, Heidi Regan, Maisie Adam. That’s four but you know what, I don’t play by your rules. You can’t tame me.

What’s the question we should have asked you today but haven’t?

Can you give us a detailed break down on your opinions of each Love Island contestant and tell us which kind of comedian each would be?

Finally, how do you take your coffee?

I don’t drink it! Genuinely find the taste repulsive. I take my coffee back to the counter and ask for the milky sugary tea with two bourbons I ordered please and thank you.

Lauren Pattison is performing 'Peachy' at Pleasance Courtyard (The Attic) from 1st August – 26th August, 7pm. Tickets are on sale now.

As if these amazing questions and more-than-thorough answers aren't enough, you can find out more about Lauren on her website, follow her musings on Twitter, or like her on Facebook.

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