Ninjas vs Vampires Review

Film

Just why are you reading this? In fact, just why am I writing it? Well I imagine we both were attracted by the title, seduced that fun, swordplay, and horror would make marvelous bedfellows. You and I... well, we believed. We dreamed of a land where talented film-makers could give us thrills and fights that would entertain us despite a lack of budget or access to professional actors and technicians. We traveled in hope to our dvd players and to our computers for news of such treasure.imageSo, I am sorry. I apologise, you may have thought better of this site or even myself. I have failed as the gatekeeper to such marvels and I ask that you forgive me and just give me another chance. The more critical amongst you might be saying that I should have known better, you might be saying that films, I use the word lightly, like the one on review are clearly likely to be shoddy disappointments. After all, you opine, the whole plot is described in the title and what can a reviewer do with a summary that the film's own moniker hasn't already achieved. You might also say that bothering to review the contents under the wrapping is redundant given that this kind of thing is virtually review proof.

And now I have to listen to you as your words have been proved prescient. So as many a teacher has told me before, I have simply wasted my time and, worst of all, yours with my pointless efforts. imageFor those of you still reading, I will suggest that if this review had been written as homage to Ninjas vs Vampires, then I would have got some mates together to help me with it, hire a couple of z-movie failures and given the whole thing a title it couldn't possibly pay off on. Then I would have tried to pretend there was some irony in ripping off other people's ideas, by mentioning Buffy as if it was some get out of jail free card, before attempting some moments of emotional intensity with no tools able to manage the task. Really, I should have typed this in crayon.

Are you still there? To be honest I'd be reading Mark's piece on the new MOC release of Schloss Vogelöd or Geoff praising The Blues Brothers. Since you insist, I'll tell you that a young couple are out in the moonlight when they find themselves attacked by badly attired, clumsy and rather dim Vampires when they are saved by the actions of badly attired, slightly less clumsy dim Ninjas. Accompanied by really awful heavy metal, the male part of the couple hones his own Ninja skills and gets to fight for the honour of his rather limp and disinterested partner.imageThe costumes get worse, the effects were probably done on a commodore 64 and the whole thing comes over as a goth home movie performed by jocks. Endless scenes of supposed character development jar as the cast are robotic and frequently ugly, and the mundanity of the dialogue makes you believe that Big Brother is scripted. Now, just let me stop, please for the love of God, haven't we all suffered enough?

Technical Specs

This is a single layer region free disc with cheap, if well designed art on the menus. The transfer is heavily interlaced, if you fast forward it it's like watching VHS, and there is much artefacting and combing to observe. The film was shot cheaply and the video like quality is just made even worse on this presentation with poor contrast, wobbly colouring and little to see that isnt ugly by design or effect.imageThe sound is often deafening and there is a lack of clarity in the dialogue on occasion. The deafening sequences are when the music is thrust into the mix to detract from prosaic visuals. I know this is making me sound old, and I am, but some more variation or craft in the score would have made the whole experience far less dreadful. Still this is low budget so don't expect too much for audio or visual quality and you won't feel let down.

Extras

I used to have a friend who would regale me and his other acquaintances with intimate details of his ablutions. We would learn whenever he had a positive experience of the littlest room and hear in some detail about the reasons for his struggles. I mention this as there are three commentary tracks for the film which put me in mind of his stories of the WC - the struggles of production, the influences behind the creation and the whole dark claustrophobic struggle against boredom and physical necessity. Yep, whether I was listening to the director, the producer or the cast I wished Stephen was telling me about his gastric problems instead.

A blooper reel, a dreadful alternate ending and some scenes that weren't even good enough to be in this film are included. There's a short piece on how this director's work has influenced comic books, two music videos and a trailer. Trying to be objective, this is quite a haul and will please those that it will please.

Summary

This is the worst film I have seen in years, avoid it.

Film
1 out of 10
Video
3 out of 10
Audio
5 out of 10
Extras
8 out of 10
Overall

2

out of 10

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