Geisha Assassin Review
The FilmI am an old fogey. I don't listen to Radio One anymore, I eulogise about cups of tea and I don't play video games. In the case of the latter this is because of their horrendous effect on modern movies, with gaming spin-offs polluting our screens and washing intelligence and originality from them as a result of their effluent presence. The lack of proper dialogue, real characters or a strong narrative point in current films is something that I place squarely at the door of video games. Amoral, aggressive and ruining the attention span of those who play them that's what I think, but this, of course, is just an opinion. An opinion from the kind of person who likes cricket.
It is not wholly unentertaining but Geisha Assassin is barely a film. It is regularly dull, predictable and completely without any sense of a unified setting. It is largely one basic idea repeated and reheated and crossed with several other genre staples from Chanbara and Samurai films, and then they deliver it with a female hero simply to try to sell it to girls too. Rare moments are interesting - the ghosts sequence is a nice development eventually botched by some poor costumes and dumb choreography. Overall though this is a product without heart.
Geisha Assassin is a video game without the possibility of defeat or surprise. In it 18th century Japanese speak as if they are in the mall having a double cheeseburger, the acrobatics of the fighters are entirely artificial and no universe of narrative sense exists to keep any of this grounded within this particular fantasy. After the first 10 minutes, it was painfully clear that this was going to go on and on, and no last act revelations save the humanity of what you are watching.
Technical SpecsShot badly, dressed badly and looking very cheap, this film needs a sympathetic transfer like Lily Allen needs a purpose. A single layer disc holds the film and combing and artefacts are rife throughout the transfer. I include a screenshot below to give you a sense of just how bad a standards conversion this is, and in motion this is incredibly jerky - eye scrunchingly so. I won't tell you about the last time I squinted this much but it's safe to say your optician might suggest you give this transfer a miss.
Special featuresThe region locked disc has a static menu and offers other trailers as the only extras. The trailers are letterboxed and subtitled.
SummaryGeisha Assassin is pretty poor and this release is of a similar quality.
2 out of 10
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3 out of 10