Extreme Chickfights: Kickin' Ass and Taking Names Reloaded Review
"Win or lose...I'm a winner! Either way!" Nah, that's not how it works even knowing as little as I do about kickin' ass in extreme chickfights. Then again, it doesn't ever feel like there were very many demands placed upon this viewer. In brief, two women, who look as though they might well have wandered in off the street such is the lack of fight gear, mitts and, yes, sports bras, go up against one another in a hastily constructed ring in some rundown part of Los Angeles or thereabouts in front of a small crowd. Outside the ring, a tubby woman, who's clearly in no shape to make it into the ring, sings while a DJ spins the discs and gees up the audience with, "Yeh! Yeh! That's raw! Keepin' it real!" Meanwhile, Greg - Da Medic! as he's introduced in the opening spiel - doesn't look like the kind of man who made it out of med school while Monica - Da Nurse! - wears the kind of plastic nurse's outfit more popular in swinging parties than it is in hospitals and nursing homes. Being honest, it's not the kind of event that would have had Harry Carpenter commentating on it.
The first fight pits Dee against Laika and in spite of it being billed as a bare-knuckle fight, the pair of them have their hands heavily bandaged. Contrary to what follows, this fight fair drags on, with Laika proving tough to overcome, particularly for the army-trained Dee, who, you suspect, would be better at this sort of thing. Actually, the thing drags on for far too long, making this viewer question the cover's claim to offer 1st Round Beat Downs, eventually bringing in the referee to draw the thing to a close, not that there appears to be a winner but because the audience, there and at home, getting very bored.
Much more one-sided is a fight that's billed as being Moroccan Princess vs. Moe. Not only is Moe a rather dull name for an extreme chickfighter but in contrast to Moroccan Princess training full time to kick ass, poor old Moe has nothing more interesting to say about her than that she suffers from chronic fatigue syndrome. But then one has to wonder about someone who, as they would have it, trains full time to kick ass. On the contrary, it looks like Moroccan Princess works full time on expanding her own ass as she's carrying a good deal more weight than one would expect for a full-time bruiser. At first, you think that Moe (taller, fitter and with a longer reach) might have something on Moroccon Princess but sometime near the start of the second round, Moe's chronic fatigue syndrome begins to hit and she's struggling to remain conscious. By the end, she's just about able to make it back into the ring to hear the referee announce her defeat.
This shaming of Moe turns into something of a habit for Extreme Chickfights, which then pits Dead Angel - likes clawing chicks in the face - against Laika, who's training to be a lawyer. But then it would seem that Dead Angel might be more skilled in the other art at which boxers excel, that of talking up a good fight! Turning up in a hat, a pair of stockings and T-bar leather shoes, Dead Angel looks the most unlikely fighter since Frank Bruno fancied his chances against the up-and-coming 'Iron' Mike Tyson. In the first round, Dead Angel quits after a tap to the face and, being dismissed by the referee as Pippi Longstocking - the gags begin and end there! - she's on her way out of the ring. Back to dealing crack by the look of it.
But then, this isn't about the fighting so much as just seeing two women tear strips off one another. And why pay for that when any average Friday or Saturday night will give you ample opportunity to check out women fighting. Or, in my own case, about half-two in the afternoon on Tuesday of last week when I was out walking with my eldest daughter. Watching this, all I really cared about was (a) in the manner of Duran Duran's Girls On Film video, do they tear off each other's clothing and (b) who wins? Hopefully saving you some money, yes they do but only once and she quick rearranges herself and it's Dee, Freddy The Heat, Moroccan Princess, Laika, Moroccan Princess (again!) and the not-at-all-smiling Smiley. And don't believe the video cover either. None of the somewhat attractive women there appear in any of the fights. Were Joe Bugner to appear in Extreme Chickfights, there would be many of you, faced with the limited choice, who'd take a night with Joe over Smiley, Laika or Moroccan Princess. Although, if it turns nasty, you'd have been better off with the, and I use this term loosely as regards a few of them, girls.
Given that we can see the guys in and out of the ring who are taping this - one of them appears to hit a fighter on the head with his camera - it comes over from videotape and looks very much like it, with it being soft and without very much detail. It looks awful, the sort of thing that might pop up on Bravo late one night when they're prepared to broadcast just about anything to remain on the air. The sound is not much better and is dominated by Enrique the referee who's so painfully slow-witted that you wish for the fighters to quickly knock him with a one-two to gee him on. There's some kind of hip-hop backing but Dre this ain't.
There are no extras on this DVD.