Thoughts on cinema adverts

Cinema - it's the experience that counts

If you've been to the cinema during the last nine months, you'll have seen the anti-piracy advert that cautions you, "pirate DVDs are no match for the real thing". There have been three versions of this advert, one with clips from Fantastic Four, one with The Chronicles Of Narnia and one with King Kong.

In each version they use the same footage of a cinema audience watching the clips and in each version there's a young couple sitting together who jump and grab each other at an especially scary moment. In the Fantastic Four version, they jump when The Thing throws a car at the screen, in the King Kong version they jump when Kong beats his chest and in the Narnia version they jump when the lion roars.

It strikes me that this pair must the biggest pussies in the history of cinema going. What are they jumping for? Have they never seen a film before, ever? None of those moments is remotely scary - these are kids' movies, not horror films. Can you imagine that couple watching Alien or Halloween? There'd have to be paramedics standing by.

I think if they're that sensitive then perhaps they'd be better off staying at home and watching a pirate DVD. After all, "the picture will be faded, the sound will be tinny and the view will be obstructed by whoever needs the toilet in the rows in front". Maybe under those conditions the sissies will be less scared when one of the Fantastic Four throws a car.

Don't die before you've lived

I hate public service announcements. I have a bug up my arse about this nanny state government wasting my money on stating the bleeding obvious. "Smoking is unhealthy", "speeding is dangerous". Do they seriously believe people who do these things do them because they haven't been warned yet?

Recently they've had a campaign trying to stop teenagers from walking out in front of cars. This is pointless. Walking out in front of cars is just something kids do. Ads or no ads, they will continue to do so until the day man conquers gravity and even then they'll find a way to walk out in front of shuttlecraft.

They had road safety announcements when I was a boy and I still walked out in front of a car when I was 12. I didn't do it because I didn't know it was a stupid thing to do (well, duh!), I just had my attention elsewhere, probably on Star Wars or The A-Team. The time to put on the advert would have been 5 seconds before I stepped off the kerb.

This particular campaign features future "celebs" whose talent we've been deprived of because they didn't look left and right. One of them is a Sloaney model who shows us round her "crib" in LA. (Sorry love but if you sound like you live in Kensington, you can't get away with saying "crib"). The other is Scott Smith, star of the action movie The Betrayal.

Well excuse my heartlessness but I'm glad they're both dead. Judging by the trailer, The Betrayal is a complete piece of crap, a bad rip-off of The Bourne Identity with terrible acting all round. Scott Smith sucks in it. Thank god he's been flattened and I don't have to review it. As for the supermodel, well that's one less drain on the world's cocaine supply. One less contestant for Celebrity Big Brother. One less ex-wife for Rod Stewart. We'll survive without you too dear.

I must say though, at least this campaign is less annoying than the one with the boy who doesn't realise he's a ghost. There was an advert that should have ended with Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis showing up in the Ectomobile.

The Orange Film Board

Depending on who you ask, the Orange Film Board ads are either the best or the worst ads showing in cinemas. I know my fellow reviewer Mike Sutton was very displeased indeed with Roy Scheider for sneering at the idea of shooting "film noir in film colour".

I love these ads myself. I probably sound very sad for saying this but I look forward to the new one every three months. I was especially looking forward to the latest ad which should have started in January because it stars Steven Seagal, of whose early work I am a great fan.

But, horror of horrors, this ad has not appeared! Cinemas either continue to show the John Cleese one from last autumn ("Look at his funny little walk!") or they've reverted to the old Patrick Swayze one ("The Chatty Hunter?? No it's The Silent Hunter!"). What is going on?

I started a thread about it on The DVD Forums and although no one knew why the ad isn't showing, a member there called Porsmond kindly supplied this link to the Steven Seagal Orange ad in all its glory -

In my opinion it's the best one yet so why isn't it playing in cinemas? Unless there was some sort of dispute between Orange and Seagal, the only thing I can think of is that Advertising Standards didn't like the comic violence. But they didn't ban that clever Pepsi ad with the guys fighting Hong Kong style over the drink can.

Oh well, enjoy the link and feel free to discuss the ads that are currently amusing you or annoying you. I'll tell you another one I like - the one with the CGI mayflies. Cute or what?

Last updated: 19/04/2018 06:19:56

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