Two Moon Junction Review

The saxophone was invented by Adolphe Sax in 1838, who was the son of the renowned Belgian instrument-maker Charles Sax. The saxophone was supported through its early years, despite the objections of an establishment who rejected its honking, by the composer Hector Berlioz, who, much as he loved the instrument, wrote very little music for it. Having fought for a patent for the saxophone his entire life, he died penniless and struck by an illness, which prevented him from playing his instrument, in 1894.

That's a sad story, no doubt about it, but Adolphe Sax should at least be grateful that he died long before having to listen to the mournful sax that has accompanied every gently-lit soft porn movie since the birth of the motion picture. What wakkah-wakkah guitars are to hardcore, saxophones are to softcore. Adolphe, let me sarcastically extend a note of thanks...



Two Moon Junction stars Sherilyn Fenn as April Delongpre, the daughter of a wealthy family from Alabama who is engaged to a local Harvard law student but when a carnival shows up on a weekend her fiancee and parents are out of town, Delongpre rejects her society status to have an affair with a casual worker, Perry (Tyson). The couple meet regularly over the weekend even through Perry's dismissal from the carnival following an accident caused through a lack of care taken by the owner (Villechaize) but their attraction for each other increases, even with the return of Delongpre's fiance and the carnival leaving town.

With Delongpre's wedding fast approaching, her fiance now back for good and Perry being employed around town, Delongpre's grandmother, Belle (Fletcher), despite once telling her not to have second thoughts nor regrets, calls on her good friend Sheriff Earl Hawkins (Ives) to keep an eye on Perry and, if necessary, to drive him out of town by whatever means necessary.



Two Moon Junction was both written and directed by Zalman King, who was, at one point, the most successful producer of soft-porn in the film industry. Whilst most filmmakers who dabble in porn rarely get beyond a top-shelf placing in a video shop, King's writing credits include such mainstream successes as 9 1/2 Weeks and Wild Orchid. Those who remember either film, or have a sufficient lack of good fortune to have seen both, will recall that the standard Zalman King plot, which Two Moon Junction slavishly follows, is that a spoilt princess falls in love with a roguish, motorbike-riding drifter against the wishes of her family and friends. Despite this, she discovers a rebelliousness and he a sensitivity that only true love could uncover. Ugh! 'tis true, although it is also required that they have sex a lot, albeit of the tastefully lit sex of the kind that UK Living show between 11pm to midnight, rather than Television X - The Fantasy Channel.

There are so many problems with Zalman King movies that one struggles to know where to begin but in picking the most obvious one with which to start - who's guessed that Zalman King and the handsome, sexy, spiritual drift may be one and the same? Huh, d'you think?

Now, how's about this for a theory...poor, old Zalman King, stuck at high school, bit of a numpty, can't afford a car but has a 50cc scooter but that's never going to help him get lucky with the prom queen. What to do? How about, later in life, the story gets rewritten a little like Hugh Hefner spliced with Tennessee Williams for a movie in which said prom queen gives in, finds out what an amazing lover Zalman is and runs away with him. What King realised is that so long as he delivers the sex scenes that not only will that story do for the first film but that the same farkin' script can be used over and over again with only the names, locations and actors being changed to show that he put some effort in.

Well, what about the sex scenes? Firstly, this is soft porn so for the ladies, there is little more than an occasional glimpse of butt belonging to the male lead. Gentlemen? Frankly, there still isn't anything to get excited about. Sure, there are breasts aplenty but only the solitary glimpse of any evidence as regards collars and cuffs. Hot sex? The train entering the tunnel? Even a shot of humping male buttocks a la The Singing Detective? No, not here - everything is soft, slow and tender yet Delongpre orgasms in a remarkably short space of time. Although, given that she manages to do so when on her own, sitting on the floor of a shower with both her hands visible at all times, it's entirely possible that she manages to climax by sheer thought alone.

One suspects you've already guessed but Two Moon Junction is simply terrible. Back in 1990, Sherilyn Fenn seemed like stardom was hers for the taking after her unforgettable appearances in Twin Peaks as Audrey Horne but, following a Playboy appearance and lead role in Boxing Helena, it was back to straight-to-video tat. This reviewer needs to go back to check Fenn's acting in Twin Peaks as I certainly don't remember it being as had as it is here but history, absence, fondness, etc. Still, Fenn is attractive but, in being naturally pale, the shocking blonde hair does her few favours. Otherwise, Richard Tyson has kept a steady level of quality going in his career, going from this in 1988 to Battlefield Earth in 2000. At least the man is consistent! Milla Jovovich is apparently in here somewhere and Kristy MacNichol (from television's Empty Nest, where she starred alongside Richard Mulligan and Dinah Manoff) plays a bisexual woman out for both Fenn and Tyson, who gets to deliver the film's worst lines, which, given the overall quality of the script, is absolutely nothing to be proud of.

Finally, the best/worst characterisation has to be of the carnival folk. As an avowed hater of circuses, carnivals, clowns, acrobats and mimes, I'll happily donate Zalman King a point for showing the lot of them as crooked, workshy drunks guilty of not putting what little cash they earn in a reputable manner into safety. Circuses? Do not get me started...




Picture

Two Moon Junction has been anamorphically transferred in its original aspect ratio of 1.85:1. The picture quality isn't bad but, as with other soft-porn directors, Zalman King tends to stick to using highly stylised cliches including heavy amounts of backlighting, slow motion and soft focus, any one of which might be interesting if isolated from the rest but, when combined, it's simply very, very dull.




Sound

The film has been transferred in its original Mono soundtrack, presented here as 2.0 Mono and is fine given that all MGM had to do was to ensure it was free of noise.




Extras

MGM have only included one extra on this DVD release:

Theatrical Trailer (2m05s, 1.85:1 Anamorphic, 2.0 Stereo): This is a run through the highlights of the film, which is, therefore, brief and contains little in the way of surprise.




Overall

Ach...it's terrible. You really didn't think it would be anything else, did you? It's not, however, entertainingly terrible; it's just really bad. Fans of Sherilyn Fenn will surely have found that their twelve-year old copy of Playboy has struggled to cope with the demands place upon it, amongst other things it has been the recipient of, and should invest in a copy of Two Moon Junction and a roll of cling film for their television screen. Otherwise, forget about it. Want real porn? Look here!

Film
2 out of 10
Video
6 out of 10
Audio
6 out of 10
Extras
2 out of 10
Overall

3

out of 10

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