Ready, Teddy, Death Review

A thought occurred whilst watching this DVD. It might occur to you too. At some point in someone's life, some boy met girl. Said boy wooed girl and won her affections. At last, the time came when boy was granted access to girl’s boudoir; upon entry of which he was philosophically dismayed to find the bed covered in teddy bears. It's a distressing moment in any boy's life; the girl, until then, had been charming, funny and intelligent. Suddenly, she becomes impossibly twee and childish. Putting it bluntly, it's impossible to properly fuck a girl surrounded by her teddy bears. You'll never get it up because the little bastards will be watching you with those dreadful, disapproving, staring beady glass eyes. Psychologically scarred, the boy buried this sexually scarring incident somewhere in the recesses of his subconcious until now, when the twisted memory has surfaced and manifested itself in the shape of the first ever teddy bear snuff film. Revenge is sweet.

What truth there is in the above scenario is impossible to tell. What is true is that someone, somewhere harbors a deep hatred of teddy bears. Whether this is healthy or not is not for us to say, we're merely passing comment on the resulting DVD. There's no plot; what you get is a series of teddy bear deaths that range from the comical, a teddy bear pulled apart by two mowing machines, to the downright disturbing - a teddy bears picnic is taken out with headshots one by one. Can any entertainment be derived from such things? Well, yes, it's possible to gain a modicum of enjoyment through trying to work out which form of death will be visited upon the stuffed object; each death scene is built up with slow, close up shots of the machinery of death until all is revealed. It's a bit like watching, say and Omen death, trying to work out what's going to happen. Then it happens. Then it happens again and that's it.

Criticism is really invalid. Either this will appeal to you or it won't. A case could be made that this is making some sort of statement on the futility of childhood, eventually, the comforting objects become mere ciphers to be destroyed by a brutal capitalist world. It's not a convincing argument, though, and this is more likely to be the result of someone with little imagination and too much time and money on their hands. If you've ever been in the situation described in the opening paragraph then this would make a great present for the socially inadequate girl you had the misfortune to get mixed up with. I've already ordered my copy.


Simply stunning. Shot on digital video, its clean, free from any digital nasties and looks far better than you'd expect it too. It's not as bleak as it sounds, much of the action takes place in the countryside, and it's lush and green.


Only stereo sound, but as the soundtrack consists of background music, there's not much to complain about or anything to get excited about.

This review was taken from a 10 minute promo version of the full feature - which runs for a whopping 45 minutes. There were no extras included on the promo version, and it's unclear whether the full release will feature any. We'll keep you posted...

The Website can be found here, should you wish to enter.

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Last updated: 19/04/2018 11:40:14

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