The Wonderful World Of Sex - Part 1
I’m sure that most of us would agree that sex, broadly speaking, is a good thing as opposed to, say, nuclear Armageddon which is a bad thing. I stress this because I don’t want anyone to think I have something against sex per se. However, after 100 minutes of The Wonderful World Of Sex I was beginning to consider the virtues of a life amongst a closed order of monks where the delights of sexual behaviour in its myriad forms would never again be discussed in my hearing. This DVD is a bit like being trapped on a desert island with nothing but videotapes of ‘Eurotrash’ and fifty copies of ‘Men Only’ for company.
Taken from one of the adult channels which so generously provide wanking material for the new generation of adolescent males, The Wonderful World Of Sex consists of 23 separate items. Each of these presents, for our delectation, something vaguely to do with human sexuality or, more often, people behaving in a manner which is simply weird. The back of the DVD cover thoughtfully informs us that “This Programme contains highly explicit material” while the front sports a sticker warning us that the contents “contain explicit sex scenes”. Before you get too excited and have to run to the bathroom, I should warn you that the tone is more educational than erotic with a narration that seems to think it’s imparting some kind of valuable information. Imagine a cross between ‘Eurotrash’ and ‘Tonight With Trevor McDonald’ and you’re in the right vicinity.
Strip Club For Girls In LA
The first item is about a, er, strip club for girls in LA. The female narrator assures us that “LA lesbians and celebrities enjoy Michelle’s XXX show and have done for several years”. Michelle is a frightening looking woman with plaits that resemble bell chords and she promises that she knows “what makes women tick”. The narration slavers, “Even TOUCHING is allowed, if the dancer lets them”. But judging by the amount of baby oil they’re covered in, if you did try to touch them they’d quickly slip from your grasp. “I love it”, one customer informs us while stroking her breasts in a suggestive manner. “It’s obvious how much the dancers enjoy it,” we’re told, but the looks on the faces of the dancers suggest that they’re busily employed in wondering if they’ve remembered to buy some food for the dog.
Genital Sculptures At The Oasis Swingers Club
Although not qualified to comment on the pros and cons of being a ‘swinger’, I suspect that for most people it involves a three-in-a-bed romp with the bloke next door, which ends abruptly following an argument about when he last borrowed the Black and Decker Workmate. This does however sound a lot more attractive than spending even ten minutes at the Oasis Club which, according to our friendly narrator, offers us “something to give an acquaintance to remember you by.” So, if there are any acquaintances you want to impress, why not pour some plaster on your dick and offer them a memorable souvenir for their mantelpiece? “It’s not for everyone,” she warns us, and she’s damn right. Apparently, for £75 they will produce a sculpture of “your most intimate secrets”, whatever that means. Now I have nothing whatsoever against vaginas in general and, in their place, I think they’re very nice. But that place isn’t, and never will be, sitting on the coffee table for everyone to handle. For one thing, what if they drop it? Do they keep the mould? Do you get a discount if you have two done? I’m wandering from the point. “We only have young clients,” reveals the owner of the club as a Neanderthal is getting a blowjob in the background. Young, judging by the clients we see in this video, can mean anything under 55, but a willingness to be fellated by a woman with big hair and a vacant expression is obviously a plus. Kurt, the modeller, reveals his secrets as we see him using an icing bag to insert plaster into Lola’s womanly virtues. “I had a go because it’s fun and feels really sexy," Lola tells us, “and I’m going to put it on my husband’s desk to remind him of me, instead of a boring old photograph.” I became distracted at this point wondering what Lola’s wedding album must have looked like and was brought back to reality by a close up of Lola’s clitoris. It’s enough to make you wish the BBFC would stop being quite so liberal about such things. Lola’s hubby sits next to her wearing a mask, and you can’t really blame him. Surely, I cried, we won’t see any men getting a plaster cast made… our worst fears are confirmed when Kurt begins dolloping plaster of Paris on a semi-erect penis. “It feels like my girlfriend just gave me a blowjob while her mouth was full of ice cubes,” the subject reveals, adding somewhat redundantly, “Really cool!”
The Up and Coming Geena Wild
Geena Wild is, allegedly, “voluptuous, blonde and a professional performer” who, on this evidence, does a lot of rolling around on the beach at Cannes. “She loves sex and wants it all the time,” says the narrator – now a bloke, the woman having gone for a well deserved lie down or, possibly, an appointment with Kurt. This being an 18 rather than an R18, we see Geena bouncing up and down on top of unappetising male porn stars. “Discipline,” we are informed, “is a vital part of her success.” This got me a bit excited and reaching for the pills, but it turns out that it simply means she gets up early and gets to the set on time. Steve Vincent, apparently a big porn star in Europe, tells us Geena is a real star who can always orgasm on demand. No close ups of hardcore I’m afraid but plenty of shots of Geena’s highly photogenic tits. I should warn you that this section features many offensive scenes of cheap lounge suites with some leopard skin cushion covers that really should be banned.
The Love Machine
“Robert Notch has been very sad and lonely recently… no-one to love and no-one to love him.” So, apparently like most depressed single males, he buys a masturbation pump. But it’s no good because it gives him some kind of masturbatory RSI. Solving the problem in a way which is oddly reminiscent of “Last of The Summer Wine”, he mechanises the pump and voila!. But, the narrator warns us, “If it goes too fast, it could cause some very uncomfortable injuries.” and I would like to echo that warning for any single males who are reading this and already planning a weekend in the garden shed with a set of tools and a box from Ann Summers. “Robert’s main modification,” we are told, “is the lubricated suction hole” which really is more information than anyone needs. Robert is a rather strange man who likes machines because they don’t argue and they don’t need foreplay. Perhaps he’s hit upon the reason why we’re all so remarkably fond of our DVD players. But please, if you feel the urge to take your player to bed with you, don’t write and tell me. Seek medical help or, at the very least, remember to unplug it first.
Summer Fete in Liberec
Liberec is a town in the Czech provinces which doesn’t seem to offer much to tourists. But every year, porn stars turn up to fuck each other silly in the conference centre. “This kind of work is normal,” says the organiser, “It’s not prostitution, it’s about love!” This displays a rather touching naivety about the porn industry but her optimism is rewarded by the heartfelt comment of a passing 84 year old who testifies “I think I’m still healthy as long as I find girls attractive” Amen to that, sir. I bet he doesn’t take a mechanised wanking machine to bed with him. We also meet Ellen, a budding porn star who is “totally uninhibited about what she does”. What she does seems to amount to sitting on a chair, gyrating her arse and looking, as more sexist men than I would say, “well dirty”. She’s auditioned by a passing porn producer who gets his leading man, Philip Dean – an award winning porn actor apparently - to give her a knee trembler backstage while he nods approvingly. Ellen stares at Philip’s cock like it’s the most exciting thing she’s ever seen and considering she lives in Liberec that’s not beyond the realms of possibility. Another blonde porn wannabe auditions with the lucky Philip who offers the killer chat-up line “I am in movies”. She fails to go the distance however, turning her nose up at the idea of hardcore saying “I only do this stuff in private”. This does make her willingness to perform a “wild lesbian romp” on stage a little peculiar. Newcomer Mary Lee doesn’t have any such reservations, brandishing a dildo and jamming it in any orifice which comes to hand at the first sight of a video camera. “She’s not the type of girl I like,” says Philip, with a look on his face like a young boy who has just eaten too many sweets and is facing the consequences.
I’d love to tell you that this is about a girl called Sushi who gets her kit off but I’m afraid I can’t. It’s about Bar 20 in Melbourne, where you can eat free sushi “served from the naked body of one of the club’s girls”. Actually, it’s not sushi because that would smell. Oh, and it transpires that the girl is, technically, not naked but wrapped in cling-film which is reassuring for those of us who worry about health and safety standards. This presumably helps to stop pubic hair getting tangled up with the California Rolls but does make the entire item a lot less salacious than it sounds. In fact, “Not Naked Not Sushi” would be a good title for this item. One girl describes herself as “the talking plate” and is funny and intelligent enough to make you hope that she’s getting well paid to have chopsticks thrust at her once a week.
Amazon: Virtual Erotic Star
Six foot tall, 38-30-39 and 24 years old, Amazon is an internet star who has lots and lots of fans around the world. “They like my long legs, my feet and my hands. They like… everything about me,” explains Amazon, carefully not mentioning the other bits which have made her so popular. Amazon also has a similarly well upholstered twin sister who doesn’t speak but looks terrifying enough to make me do absolutely anything. This is fascinating for the sheer lack of self-esteem on the part of Amazon who appears to do this in order to make herself feel loved. However, Amazon doesn’t like “disrespectful visitors’ to her website who have the nerve to ask her to reveal a little more of her, frankly, stunning figure. Good on her, I say, although I can’t pretend I’m not a little disappointed. However, her admirably assertive principles are somewhat weakened by the fact that, at the end of this item, she takes off her top for the camera.
Sex Photo Store
In which we meet Robert, his girlfriend Judith and Robert’s camera which, we’re told, has brought excitement to their sex life. Judging by the look of Robert, a wooden box would have the same effect, but they seem happy enough with his photos being sold at Budapest’s first sex photo shop. Apparently, it all started when Robert saw Judith in the shower and got so turned on that he… er, got his camera and took some photos. This would seem to be symptomatic of some basic failing in the relationship but there’s no denying that Robert’s vital tool – snigger – is very large with all sorts of attachments that he can put on the front to make it bigger. My mind wandered at this point into wondering why all these women have tattoos. I was jerked back to reality when Robert got his kit off for Judith’s delectation but was reassured to learn that his arse is just as unexciting as the rest of him. “Judith gets her kicks by being an unreachable sex object” apparently, which makes you wonder whether they have any energy left for shagging once the long lenses have been put away. Sadly, the question is answered when the couple reassure us that it’s all a kind of foreplay and get down and dirty in a soft porn kind of way. That this is staged for the camera is revealed when we see that Robert’s, er, member is comfortingly flaccid and not making any noticeable contact with Judith’s genitals. This is probably a blessing for us all. Here endeth the lesson.
The History of Suspenders
This is a somewhat skimpy study of the suspender belt. An expert in a flat cap and glasses informs us that “Tights look boring and constrictive. Suspenders are more erotic”. I was hoping for more of his views but we move on to a consideration of different materials that purportedly “turn a housewife into a lapdancer” and can turn the most innocent girl into a dominatrix. I personally doubt this, having known far more innocent girls than dominatrixes but perhaps I have lived a sheltered life. Such intellectual curiosity is beyond the remit of this item which concludes that the only point in wearing sexy underwear is that it soon comes off. There’s a moral there, somewhere.
The Blue Angels Club
This segment is set in the city that never sleeps. No, not Darlington, but New York which, we’re told, is a haven of hedonism. And nowhere havens more hedonism than The Blue Angels Club. This was founded 20 years ago by Uta, a German woman with exhibitionist tendencies and she still performs, although her show is about singing rather than stripping. “It’s all about the joy of the senses, the joy of eroticism, the joy of knowing your own body”, Uta effuses while neglecting to add the bit about the joy of getting cash out of the punters. The performances, on this evidence, are along similar lines to those at the Raymond Revue Bar but with pervasive blue lighting. This is presumably meant to ignite memories of Marlene Dietrich but tended to make me think about Emil Jannings - a fine actor but not really an aid to erotic fantasy.
“Remember all those dreams you had,” muses the narrator, “about being back at school?” Well, speaking for myself I hardly ever dream about being back at school, although the bits near the caretakers hut with a brunette hockey captain when I was 15 are quite memorable. Anyway, back to the video. School Dinners is a club in London where men can go and have a school dinner and be caned by women wearing school uniform. I suspect that this anatomises the deeply sad male psyche rather well and little more needs to be said. The women involved in this have an amusingly cynical attitude towards their customers and clearly enjoy punishing them with an enthusiasm that goes beyond professional expertise.
As the old adage goes, always leave 'em wanting less. So I'll be returning to this extraordinary DVD in the very near future when I'll be informing you about the delights of strip karting, seeing what Hugh Hefner's been getting up to and enduring a display from one of America's most successful group of male strippers.